Monty Python / Harry Potter
by Holly Toadstool
Summary: Monty Python sketches, shamelessly stolen and.. changed a bit. MWAHAHAHA!
1. The dead muggle

The dead muggle sketch  
  
A death eater enters a muggle shop.  
  
Death eater: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.  
  
(The owner does not respond.)  
  
Death eater: 'Ello, Miss?  
  
Owner: What do you mean "miss"?  
  
Death eater: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!  
  
Owner: We're closin' for lunch.  
  
Death eater: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this muggle what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.  
  
Owner: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?  
  
Death eater: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!  
  
Owner: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.  
  
Death eater: Look, matey, I know a dead muggle when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.  
  
Owner: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable muggles, those Norwegians, idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage!  
  
Death eater: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.  
  
Owner: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!  
  
Death eater: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! (shouting at the cage) 'Ello, Mister misfit muggle! I've got a lovely fresh crucio for you if you show...  
  
(owner poaks the muggle with his wand)  
  
Owner: There, he moved!  
  
Death eater: No, he didn't, that was you poking him with your wand!  
  
Owner: I never!!  
  
Death eater: Yes, you did!  
  
Owner: I never, never did anything...  
  
Death eater: (yelling and hitting the muggle repeatedly) 'ELLO POLLY!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!  
  
(Takes muggle by the hair and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)  
  
Death eater: Now that's what I call a dead muggle.  
  
Owner: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!  
  
Death eater: STUNNED?!?  
  
Owner: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Norwegians stun easily, mister death eater.  
  
Death eater: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That muggle is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' listening to Brittney Spears songs to shut him up.  
  
Owner: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably not a Brittney fan.  
  
Death eater: NOT A BRITTNEY FAN!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?  
  
Owner: The Norwegians prefers keepin' on their back! Remarkable muggle, id'nit, squire? Lovely plumage!  
  
Death eater: Look, I took the liberty of examining that muggle when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been standing up straight in the first place was that it had been tied to a rake.  
  
(pause)  
  
Owner: Well, o'course it was tied to a rake! If I hadn't tied that muggle down, it would have grabbed your wand, poked your eyes out, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!  
  
Death eater: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this muggle wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!  
  
Owner: No no! 'E's thinking of Brittney!  
  
Death eater: 'E's not thinkin' of Brittney! 'E's passed on! This muggle is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't tied 'im to a rake 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-MUGGLE!!  
  
(pause)  
  
Owner: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of muggles.  
  
Death eater: I see. I see, I get the picture.  
  
Owner: I got a slug.  
  
(pause)  
  
Death eater: Pray, does it talk?  
  
Owner: Nnnnot really.  
  
Death eater: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?  
  
Owner: N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet)  
  
Death eater: Well.  
  
(pause)  
  
Owner: (quietly) D'you.... d'you want to come back to my place?  
  
Death eater: (looks around) Yeah, all right, sure. A good muggle is a dead muggle anyway. 


	2. The evil death eaters

The Evil Death eaters  
  
Man: Trouble in the common room.  
  
Woman: Oh no - what kind of trouble?  
  
Man: One Slthy s'gone drunkie on the bttrbeer.  
  
Woman: Pardon?  
  
Man: One Slthy s'gone drunkie on the bttrbeer.  
  
Woman: I don't understand what you're saying.  
  
Man: (slightly irritatedly and with exaggeratedly clear accent) One of the Slytherins have has gone drunk on the butterbeer.  
  
Woman: Well what on earth does that mean?  
  
Man: *I* don't know - Miss Toadstool just told me to come in here and say that there was trouble in the common room, that's all - I didn't expect a kind of evil death eater like interregation.  
  
(JARRING CHORD - The door flies open and 3 evil death eaters burst in)  
  
Death eater: NOBODY expects the Evil Death eaters! Our chief weapon is suprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise.... Our two weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency.... Our *three* weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an almost fanatical devotion to the Dark Lord.... Our *four*...no... *Amongst* our weapons.... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as fear, surprise.... I'll come in again. (Exit and exeunt)  
  
Man: I didn't expect a kind of evil death eater like interregation.  
  
(JARRING CHORD - The death eaters burst in)  
  
Death eater: NOBODY expects the Evil Death eaters! Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the Dark Lord, and nice black robes - Oh damn! (To other death eater) I can't say it - you'll have to say it.  
  
Other death eater: What?  
  
Death eater: You'll have to say the bit about 'Our chief weapons are ...'  
  
Other death eater: (rather horrified) I couldn't do that...  
  
(Death eater bundles the cardinals outside again)  
  
Man: I didn't expect a kind of evil death eater like interregation.  
  
(JARRING CHORD - The death eaters enter)  
  
Other death eater: Er.... Nobody...um....  
  
Death eater: Expects...  
  
Other death eater: Expects... Nobody expects the...um...the evil...um...  
  
Death eater: Death eaters.  
  
Other death eater: I know, I know! Nobody expects the Evil Death eaters. In fact, those who do expect -  
  
Death eater: Our chief weapons are...  
  
Other death eater: Our chief weapons are...um...er...  
  
Death eater: Surprise...  
  
Other death eater: Surprise and --  
  
Death eater: Okay, stop. Stop. Stop there - stop there. Stop. Phew! Ah! ...our chief weapons are surprise...blah blah blah. Malfoy, read the charges.  
  
Malfoy: You are hereby charged that you did on diverse dates commit heresy against the Dark Lord. 'My old man said follow the--'  
  
Death eater: That's enough. (To woman) Now, how do you plead?  
  
Woman: We're innocent.  
  
Death eater: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!  
  
(Superimposed caption: 'DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER')  
  
Other death eater: We'll soon change your mind about that!  
  
(Superimposed caption: 'DIABOLICAL ACTING')  
  
Death eater: Fear, surprise, and a most ruthless-- (controls himself with a supreme effort) Ooooh! Now, Malfoy -- the sword!  
  
(Malfoy produces a plastic camping dinner knife. Death eater looks at it and clenches his teeth in an effort not to lose control. He hums heavily to cover his anger)  
  
Death eater: You....Right! Cut their arms off!  
  
(Other two death eaters make a pathetic attempt to cut their arms off. Of course without succes.)  
  
Death eater: Right! How do you plead?  
  
Woman: Innocent.  
  
Death eater: Ha! Right! You, stab them!  
  
(Malfoy stands there awkwardly and shrugs his shoulders)  
  
Other death eater: I....  
  
Death eater: (gritting his teeth) I *know*, I know you can't. I didn't want to say anything. I just wanted to try and ignore your crass mistake.  
  
Other death eater: I...  
  
Death eater: It makes it all seem so stupid.  
  
Other death eater: Shall I...?  
  
Death eater: No, just pretend for God's sake. Ha! Ha! Ha!  
  
(Other death eater pretends to stab. Then a giant foot comes down and squishes everybody. HAH!) 


End file.
